Yesterday, I was evaluating my life. I do that sometimes. I came to a conclusion.... I was born to drink. Pretty much everything in my life has pointed me towards drinking.Drinking A LOT.
It started when I was a child, during my first Christmas on earth my parents threw a party. My mother entrusted me to a close friend while she went to do whatever she needed to do.... When she returned from her business, whatever it was, she was greeted by a happy friend and a happy baby.
Mom's Friend: Siobhan just loves this eggnog
Mom: FUCK
My family makes a type of eggnog that is basically eggs and booze and sugar... mostly booze. BOOM drunk baby. So this very early appreciation of delicious alcoholic beverages sign towards being a drunk.
My family also drinks peppermint schnapps whenever we go camping... we haven't been camping in like ten years so before I was 11 I was swilling peppermint schnapps.
Everyone knows about the traditional St. Pattys Shot. Since like birth.
Okay there is a song... called Siobhan.... it's about how Siobhan is going to get super drunk and not come home at night.... If you don't believe me... look...
DRUNK
Next... My 21st birthday is the day after finals... yeah so it's natural to celebrate. duhhhh.
People are super surprised that I'm not 21 yet, I get super shocked face from people when I'm like oh yeah sorry I can't go to the bars yet.
Finally... I'm Irish... nuff said.
Oh and Jenny Wilson is really cool.
Friday, April 22, 2011
Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Dentist
No one likes the dentist, this is pretty common knowledge. Which leads me to think, what kind of person decides to be a dentist. Like what... did they get out of the dentist after being beaten and battered like damn that was fun. Or were they so tormented by these dentists from hell that they were like man I am gonna do the same thing to people and make them HATE me. Anyway I had to go to the dentist, because a piece of my tooth just like BOOM fell out. I was like damn that sucks. So I fought with insurance companies and found a tooth doctor close enough to walk to. Lemme start off with I got totally lost trying to find this damn place, luckily I had my iphone so I managed (seriously how did I ever live without my maps). The receptionist was super nice and I started off thinking this wouldn't be to bad like "hey maybe this is gonna be okay" I didn't remember the last time I went to the dentist so I was unconvinced it would be miserable. After waiting forever... as per usual. I was forced to put on horrible horrible orange glasses and he gave me a shot in my gums... yah. gums. Now don't get me wrong, I am extremely glad that I was numb but Mr. Dentist man gave me so much numbing stuff that my whole right side of my face went numb like eye, ear cheek the works. I looked kinda like a droopy eyed armless child... thank you Charlie Sheen. So after I was an adorable stroke victim, the Dentist began work, and by work I mean he pretty much beat the shit out of the right side of my face, so much for a gentle hand. At one point he literally punched me... I think it was an accident but there is no way to be sure. Thank heavens that I was numb because even with my whole stroke situation it was still extremely uncomfortable... like I'm surprised nothing was broken. After gagging and toughing out a whopping hour and a half, I was done.
Dentist: Ok, you're all done
Me: Wrearry (really)?
Dentist: Yep all finished, you will hurt a little once the numbing wears off, which will be in about two hours.
Me: Two howwers?!!! (hours)
Dentist: yeah, have a good day.
Walks out
So I start the trek back to class which I was already late for. It was only after walking through all of campus that I realized my face was not only numb but swollen. Apparently my face swells with any sort of stimulation. So I get to class, in which we watch a movie. Luckily I find a place on the edge (last time I was late I almost sat in someones lap). Unfortunately the occupant of this lucky seat I had found came back from the bathroom a few minutes later
Seat person: Uh you are in my seat.
Me: Oh shit sowwy
Seat person: Uh yeah (really thinking... you should have shown up to class on time then you wouldn't steal my seat you droopy eyed freak)
So I moved, then my phone rang an annoying ringtone, because my mom called... and it was loud.
Not only had I stolen a seat but now I interrupted the whole class with my strokeness. Heads turned and I turned bright red (luckily it was dark) I actually think someone laughed at my ringtone too
About halfway through the film, my numbness wore off,
FUCKKKK
no kidding it was going to hurt, my whole jaw, tooth and gums hurt, and they had gouges all in them. jesus this was bad. Naturally I couldn't find any Advil, so as any boulder college student would do, I spent the whole rest of the day using an herbal remedy to cure my aches.
Moral of the story. Seriously dentists suck.
Dentist: Ok, you're all done
Me: Wrearry (really)?
Dentist: Yep all finished, you will hurt a little once the numbing wears off, which will be in about two hours.
Me: Two howwers?!!! (hours)
Dentist: yeah, have a good day.
Walks out
So I start the trek back to class which I was already late for. It was only after walking through all of campus that I realized my face was not only numb but swollen. Apparently my face swells with any sort of stimulation. So I get to class, in which we watch a movie. Luckily I find a place on the edge (last time I was late I almost sat in someones lap). Unfortunately the occupant of this lucky seat I had found came back from the bathroom a few minutes later
Seat person: Uh you are in my seat.
Me: Oh shit sowwy
Seat person: Uh yeah (really thinking... you should have shown up to class on time then you wouldn't steal my seat you droopy eyed freak)
So I moved, then my phone rang an annoying ringtone, because my mom called... and it was loud.
Not only had I stolen a seat but now I interrupted the whole class with my strokeness. Heads turned and I turned bright red (luckily it was dark) I actually think someone laughed at my ringtone too
About halfway through the film, my numbness wore off,
FUCKKKK
no kidding it was going to hurt, my whole jaw, tooth and gums hurt, and they had gouges all in them. jesus this was bad. Naturally I couldn't find any Advil, so as any boulder college student would do, I spent the whole rest of the day using an herbal remedy to cure my aches.
Moral of the story. Seriously dentists suck.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Jilian and the Rabid Racoon
Twas a normal evening, not so long ago, when the family came home at different times after our various events. Our Heroine had just been to a horror movie at which she laughed (shes tough like that) and had made her way home. Little did she know that an intruder had gotten home before her and was about to prey on not only her leftovers but her ROOMMATES! As Jilian opened the door she stunned the intruder to give her a split second of an advantage, but that was all she needed. As the Rabid Raccoon came at her (I imagine he looked something like this )
she got out her greatest ninja moves and knocked him silly. He then surprised her and lunged at her throat, she only nearly saved herself putting her arm that she defended herself with at great risk. The raccoon realizing he would not defeat Jilian then ran for the stairs fixed on eating all of the people that were slumbering upstairs (or maybe just the pasta on the counter). Jilian, in a final attempt to save her friends screamed at which her voice sent the raccoon scampering up the chimney and out of our lives. Jilian then fixing her hair went upstairs and had the sweetest dreams.
But seriously there was a raccoon in our house that went up our chimney.
she got out her greatest ninja moves and knocked him silly. He then surprised her and lunged at her throat, she only nearly saved herself putting her arm that she defended herself with at great risk. The raccoon realizing he would not defeat Jilian then ran for the stairs fixed on eating all of the people that were slumbering upstairs (or maybe just the pasta on the counter). Jilian, in a final attempt to save her friends screamed at which her voice sent the raccoon scampering up the chimney and out of our lives. Jilian then fixing her hair went upstairs and had the sweetest dreams.
But seriously there was a raccoon in our house that went up our chimney.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Bro-tastic
Summertime marks the time of the year when a certain breed of boy comes out to play... The bro. It's not that bros hibernate or something, they actually exist at all times however the sunshine makes them come out of the frat cave and into the streets giving nature enthusiasts such as myself a chance to see them in their natural habitats. There are a few types of bro:
The Tank Top Bro:
This specific bro rocks girl tank tops. Okay maybe not girl tank tops but tanks none the less. A lot of times these bros hit the gym hard to get their swell on. They have arms that are far to large for their legs and are probably a bit obsessed with getting a tan. Many a time these bros are also from Cali and say hella. They also wear bright colors and neon. Beware of sick trucks.
The Boat Shoe Bro:
These bros wear topsiders because they cannot get over that they are no longer in the ocean. With these bros beware of pastel color button ups. Sometimes these bros are not as into body building as tank toppers but still wanna look tan. BMW optional
A general note about bros: They are usually in packs (wouldn't wanna go anywhere without your fratastic crew) and they do a lot of laying in the sun. Similarly they all own cars/trucks that are way to expensive for anyone under the age of thirty and they are usually accompanied with a red cup and a few freshmen. They also play their music far to loud. (seriously we all don't need to hear what you are listening to)
A song (sung like the 12 days of Christmas
On the first day of Summer Boulder gave to me A douche bag from Northern Cali
On the second day of Summer Boulder gave to me two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the third day of Summer Boulder gave to me Three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douch bag form Northern Cali,
On the fourth day of Summer Boulder gave to me Four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the fifth day of Summer Boulder gave to me five Fake IDssssss
four Neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the sixth day of summer Boulder gave to me, six bros a wompin, five fake IDs,
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the seventh day of summer Boulder gave to me seven bros a tanning, six bros a wompin, five fake ID's,
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the eighth day of Summer Boulder gave to me, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs,
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali
On the ninth day of Summer Boulder gave to me, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali
On the tenth day of Summer Boulder gave to me, ten bros lifting weights, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake ID's
four neon tanks three red cups two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the eleventh day of Summer Boulder gave to me eleven trust funds bros, ten bros lifting weights, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs, four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the twelve day of Summer Boulder gave to me, Twelve fraternities, eleven trust fund bros, ten bros lifting weights, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs, four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali
The Tank Top Bro:
This specific bro rocks girl tank tops. Okay maybe not girl tank tops but tanks none the less. A lot of times these bros hit the gym hard to get their swell on. They have arms that are far to large for their legs and are probably a bit obsessed with getting a tan. Many a time these bros are also from Cali and say hella. They also wear bright colors and neon. Beware of sick trucks.
The Boat Shoe Bro:
These bros wear topsiders because they cannot get over that they are no longer in the ocean. With these bros beware of pastel color button ups. Sometimes these bros are not as into body building as tank toppers but still wanna look tan. BMW optional
A general note about bros: They are usually in packs (wouldn't wanna go anywhere without your fratastic crew) and they do a lot of laying in the sun. Similarly they all own cars/trucks that are way to expensive for anyone under the age of thirty and they are usually accompanied with a red cup and a few freshmen. They also play their music far to loud. (seriously we all don't need to hear what you are listening to)
A song (sung like the 12 days of Christmas
On the first day of Summer Boulder gave to me A douche bag from Northern Cali
On the second day of Summer Boulder gave to me two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the third day of Summer Boulder gave to me Three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douch bag form Northern Cali,
On the fourth day of Summer Boulder gave to me Four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the fifth day of Summer Boulder gave to me five Fake IDssssss
four Neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the sixth day of summer Boulder gave to me, six bros a wompin, five fake IDs,
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the seventh day of summer Boulder gave to me seven bros a tanning, six bros a wompin, five fake ID's,
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the eighth day of Summer Boulder gave to me, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs,
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali
On the ninth day of Summer Boulder gave to me, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs
four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali
On the tenth day of Summer Boulder gave to me, ten bros lifting weights, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake ID's
four neon tanks three red cups two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the eleventh day of Summer Boulder gave to me eleven trust funds bros, ten bros lifting weights, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs, four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali,
On the twelve day of Summer Boulder gave to me, Twelve fraternities, eleven trust fund bros, ten bros lifting weights, nine bros saying hella, eight skanks a skanking, seven bros a tanning, six bros a womping, five fake IDs, four neon tanks, three red cups, two bros on a moped and a douche bag from Northern Cali
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Spring Break
Ah Spring Break the time for sunburns and bubble burns (for those of you who don't know when you go to a foam party and get your bump and grind on, the foam leaves a nasty rash aka bubble burn). Time for one night stands and keg stands... you get the point. For me however it is time for cleaning and working. At least this year, instead of jetting off to exotic places I slept, worked, cleaned and drank. Normally, boulder is bumpin, people in the streets fun parties excitement. Not so much over break... the streets turn desolate places close down and the weather turns bitchy. Okay so there was just a ton of wind. I HATE wind more than anything. It scares the shit out of me. I feel like everything bad happens on a dark windy night. Plus, sometimes if a huge gust of wind hits me I have a hard time breathing. I was informed that this is strange. Anyway so I got some pretend tanning in (I don't really tan I freckle and burn). I had to do all this tanning in between bursts of gale force winds but I still managed. I cleaned the shit out of our house where I discovered one of our windows is made of plastic and I found about $3 in change. Anyway two very exciting things happened. The first.... we made MEAD! Thats right I have reached a whole new level of drinking where I am crafting my own booze. If you don't know what mead is... google it. It started with a text of excitement.... then a trip to the grocery store. People stare at you strange when you are drunk and buying a ton of honey. Then we went to Ripple... it's a sin to be so close and not get frozen yogurt. So deliciousness and supplies we headed to Kristins house. We began to prepare. I plugged the sink and started thawing the honey
Kristin had some troubles with the raisins.... then it was time for a drink break...
Naturally There were margaritas involved. It's always a drinking event. Hooping, Mead and Tequila... the best combo. We are planning on drinking our Mead on the 4th of July or If one of us bangs The hottest man in Glenwood.
The other great event that went down is my mom came to visit. This is kind of a typical thing but this time was going to be different because I had plans. Big plans. To do fun things. We were Going to go tour the tea factory and go to all these fancy dinners and go hiking and go to a dinner theater. Oh and we were going to ride the Carousel of Happiness.
Most of these things didn't happen. EVERYTHING was closed. Legit. So instead we ate a ton, laid around a lot and went to the dinner theater.
Have you ever noticed that whenever you go to a live show you manage to fall in love with someone on stage? Always happens to me. Happened to me again at Swing.
Anyway while all of you were out tanning in exotic places. I did a whole lot of nothing except propel my alcoholism to a new level and eat everything in sight.
Monday, March 21, 2011
The Trouble with Hipsters
Every day I walk past Roma Cafe the smell of expresso fills the air, and the sound of happy people chatting hits my ears ...and am extremely careful not to step in dog shit. Along with the large amounts of dog shit that somehow end up on that side of the street in that particular corner, another thing bothers me about this specific location. The mother fucking hipsters. Now I am not one to be judging other people but hipsters drive me crazy. I can pretty much feel them staring at my running shoes and Buffs gear being like "She is so conformist, I bet she even likes top 40 music." Well yeah I do like top 40, it's super catchy and I'd like to see these hipsters bump and grind to their Alternative Rock. Anyways I hate Cafe Roma because of the judgement thrown at me.
For those of you that don't know what hipsters are: They are trendy non-conformists. They typically hang out at casual coffee shops, and like read poetry. They don't like the things that the general public does and they usually wear black thick framed glasses and do something artistic.
It's like when film majors come up to you and are like I saw this really cool film that had this super cool thing.... but you wouldn't understand... boom hipster judgement. I know this about hipster film majors because I am a film major... and I get talked to by the older film majors like this.
Today was terrifying. After a long day of filming I went to see my friend Kristin at work and snag some free food. I was planning on sitting down and doing some relaxing with the new book I got. After grabbing my food and my chai I began the read... As most people who have ever met me know, I get distracted quite easily... my mind began to wander
My Mind: I'm really glad I got my glasses this is easier to read.... Glad I took a chance on these thick black frames... I like the way I look..... man I need new clothes I haven't bought many new things in a while..... Mmmmmm delish Chai..... I love the way Saxys looks, it's so trendy...... ahhhhhh Edgar Allan Poe and Jack Kerouac, can't wait to dive into you.... man there is still some film in my ugly ass purse... long day of artistic filming......FUCK
FUCK
I'm a god damn hipster...
SHIT
I had just listed all of the qualities necessary for a judgy mcjudgerson hipster.... Artistic career choice, thick rimmed glasses, poetry, non-conformist clothes, trendy coffee shop, LIBERAL.... All I was missing was the side swept bangs and the better than you attitude. I panicked and texted Jilian in need for someone to put my mind at ease that this was simply a mistake.
"You're not a hipster, you are Siobhan" the ever wise Jilian reassured me
"Siobhan disguised in hipster trends"I replied
"Sure" Jilian replied, obviously not concerned of the disgustingness I had brought upon myself... After enough calming down I was fine and only needed a shot to reaffirm my Siobhanness.
For those of you that don't know what hipsters are: They are trendy non-conformists. They typically hang out at casual coffee shops, and like read poetry. They don't like the things that the general public does and they usually wear black thick framed glasses and do something artistic.
It's like when film majors come up to you and are like I saw this really cool film that had this super cool thing.... but you wouldn't understand... boom hipster judgement. I know this about hipster film majors because I am a film major... and I get talked to by the older film majors like this.
Today was terrifying. After a long day of filming I went to see my friend Kristin at work and snag some free food. I was planning on sitting down and doing some relaxing with the new book I got. After grabbing my food and my chai I began the read... As most people who have ever met me know, I get distracted quite easily... my mind began to wander
My Mind: I'm really glad I got my glasses this is easier to read.... Glad I took a chance on these thick black frames... I like the way I look..... man I need new clothes I haven't bought many new things in a while..... Mmmmmm delish Chai..... I love the way Saxys looks, it's so trendy...... ahhhhhh Edgar Allan Poe and Jack Kerouac, can't wait to dive into you.... man there is still some film in my ugly ass purse... long day of artistic filming......FUCK
FUCK
I'm a god damn hipster...
SHIT
I had just listed all of the qualities necessary for a judgy mcjudgerson hipster.... Artistic career choice, thick rimmed glasses, poetry, non-conformist clothes, trendy coffee shop, LIBERAL.... All I was missing was the side swept bangs and the better than you attitude. I panicked and texted Jilian in need for someone to put my mind at ease that this was simply a mistake.
"You're not a hipster, you are Siobhan" the ever wise Jilian reassured me
"Siobhan disguised in hipster trends"I replied
"Sure" Jilian replied, obviously not concerned of the disgustingness I had brought upon myself... After enough calming down I was fine and only needed a shot to reaffirm my Siobhanness.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
St Patties.
Twas that time of year again. My favorite day after my birthday it was recently discovered that Thanksgiving, Christmas and Halloween are all tied for third. Anyway the day started off as any average irish holiday. A shot of Jameson. As a Sullivan family tradition on St. Patrick's day before breakfast there must be whiskey in the system. I used to be forced to do Bailey's before I was old enough to tough out the real stuff but now it's Jameson.
So my morning started off right. This was also before my phone took a sprite bath. After some very long classes I started the fantastic walk home. Its a funny thing that when you walk with a smile on your face, people think you are a straight up freakkkkkk. So people looking at me like I'm crazy I bounce all the way home to get dressed. A few whiskey drinks, some makeup and a straightener later I was ready to party. Unfortunately I wasn't in the correct state to put a lid on my waterbottle filled with sprite soooooo my phone went swimming. Luckily I am the one person in the world who has an Iphone backup despite its cracked as shit screen. Disaster averted. Now my phone is nice in a bag of rice (that totally rhymed) waiting to recover.
A few things happened later, only a few of which I actually remember on my own. Two car bombs after way to many shots, yelling at a friend for being rude to a girl, I got locked out apparently and went to bed on my roommates couch only to be woken up later by my wonderful megan to bring me upstairs to bed. All of which were not in my memory.
Oh I also fell asleep while peeing.
Basically every year I rage far to hard to begin my day with, pass out early and miss my favorite day of the year. Ahhhhhh such a catch 22.
I went to class still drunk the next day, despite my long ass sleep.
In all seriousness though, my thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who is hurting from the shooting that night.
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