The Chocolate Party

"Do you want to go to a Chocolate Party?"- mom

"Is that a real question" -me 

"There will be Chocolate Martini's"- mom

"You had me at Chocolate"

This was how this fateful day started. I'd go anywhere if I was promised Chocolate.
"Hey Siobhan do you want to go to New Jersey.... I'll give you chocolate"
"Yes"

"Siobhan do you want to do Jury Duty.... I'll give you chocolate"
"Yes"

wait I need to rephrase this, I'll go anywhere there is free food. I call this college survival skills. When you have been eating ramen for a few weeks you will go where there is free food.

Anyway, back to the story my mother and I are attending a Chocolate Party, I don't have to tell you how awesome a Chocolate Party sounds. I had in my head fountains and strawberries and mousse basically heaven. So we get dressed and head out to the party, I wore my big dress so I could have a chocolate baby and no one would notice. When we arrive we are greeted by a woman with two very very tiny dixie cups.
"Chocolate Martini's ladies?"
the woman handed us the tiny tiny dixie cups and walked off....
My mom and I looked at each other, a mutual agreement made only through the eyes that this is not at all what we were hoping for. We all sat down and the presentation began. It was miserable this horrible woman was demonstrating how to make all sorts of chocolate treats but not letting anyone try them. Legitimate torture. Sometime throughout the tempting demonstrations, a tiny cup of cupcake vodka came around, for everyone to try.
"Did you finish that?"
"What?"
"EVERYONE was sharing that"
"Well shit"

The presentation continued. It was like putting a starving man in a room with a steak and not letting him eat it.... but it was putting white women in a room with chocolate and not sharing. AND you had to buy shit. Not only was this mean but they were going to torture me out of my money. Finally the presentation was over and they give us a tiny plate in order to try the tiny snacks... it wasn't okay.
While everyone was chatting and purchasing, I looked up a recipe for chocolate martini's, shockingly simple and absolutely delicious.

"how about we go buy stuff and make our own chocolate martini's?"
"lets go"
So home my mother and I went with our martini's and bad moods to fix the day... we spent the afternoon sipping on heaven and watching girl movies.... My poor father sat in his chair.... babysitting us.

An Ode to Long Boarders

Oh dear long boarders...
As you zoom past me, your hair flowing in the wind.
Coming close to running over my toes.
Coming close to breaking my nose.
Making me jump ten feet high
Without regard you wiz by...
Weaving through the busy crowd
You make me want to yell out loud.
Do you notice all the people you scare
and rude it is that you just don't care.
I'd like for you to stop and think
Maybe, you have pushed us to the brink.
I would like to not live in fear
that a long boarder is somewhere near
endangering my life and toes
thinking that they will get the bitches and hoes
I really do dislike you
And next time you make the wrong pick
and decide to be a dick
to ride your longboard through the crowds
I may have to throw a stick...


Sincerely,
Siobhan

My Dog is Smarter than I am

My dog Grace had an ear infection. That will happen when you dive after sticks in a dirty lake all day (not like thats from experience or anything). So we got her puppy ear drops, all organic, perfect for a little princess like Grace. As you can tell, Grace is quite pampered for a normal sized dog, most little dogs get pampered but real sized dogs rarely do. So it came time to put in her little ear drops... easier said than done. She totally knew what was about to happen. She saw the little dropper and ran like hell. As my mother and I beckoned to her to come and get her ear drops she peered around the corner of the kitchen with a suspicious look in her eye as if to say *fuck you I know your about to torture me with that little droppy thingy* Unfortunately for her she is obedient and came despite her knowledge. She then sat 5 feet away from us and made me drag her the next few feet to be situated in my iron grip so she couldn't escape the evil ear dropper. The struggle began, Grace pulling away, me pulling her back my mom putting the expensive drops in her fur and REPEAT. 

Eventually we succeeded but Grace needed to prove how horrendous the torture really was so for the remainder of the evening she would stop every ten minutes shake her head vigorously just to prove how uncomfortable these devil drops were. 

Her tactic of coming when called but sitting far away worked yet again when I went to leave to come back to Boulder. When the first bag went in the car... she knew and went to sulk in the basement. Grace doesn't like the basement, she used to have to stay there so she wouldn't chew up the couch. However the basement was going to be the best option to show her disproval. After the last bag went out I went back inside to say my tearful (on my side) goodbye. To make me work for my time with her, she made me call her 4 times before coming up to the top stair and sitting looking at me with the saddest look. I pulled her towards me, she didn't help, so I basically scooted her across the hardwood floor. After a long hug she turned around, tucked her sad little tail between her legs and went back to the basement while I drove away. Basically I'm saying that my dog owns me and I do what she wants. 

The Worst Hair Cut EVER

It has been quite some time since I have written and for that I am sorry (especially to miss Jenny Wilson) but something of great proportions has happened to jolt me back into my blogging. Some platinum blonde with bubble gum ruined my whole perception of myself. Now for most boys, I realize that a horrendous haircut doesn't really ruin lives, I mean it's not like Im living in a box under the bridge or anything but it's still pretty bad. I also realize that when you are only paying $20 for a haircut, you can't expect anything breathtaking but I do assume that everyone who has ever been to a salon realized what a trim looks like.

It all started with a beautiful summer day, and getting prepared for school with haircuts and a mani-pedi. I finally get called up to the seat. She chomped her gum at me.
"My name is Courtney" chomp chomp
My first hint should have been the bleached blonde hair and bubble gum, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, because bubble gum is delicious, and not everyone can have super great red hair.
"I'd just like a trim please, only like two inches." I asked politely
"oh honey how long ago was it since you got your hair cut" chomp chomp "I gotta take off at least 3 inches"
"okay" I said, she did go to school for this so I imagine she knows a little bit and three inches I can handle, my hair is pretty long.
twenty minutes later I was spun around to a shocking discovery.
Apparently Courtney couldn't measure.
Chomp "So it's going to take a little getting used to" Chomp
gurgle... uhhhhh.... is all I could manage.
"But it's really healthy" she said
"Ya" I said
what I really wanted to say is "Seriously have you ever seen a ruler, this is at least 6 inches, and I didn't really care if it was super healthy, it's freakin dead cells and I just wanted it to look pretty and long".

Somehow I managed to get it together. I walked out, managed to somewhat tip her, and made it home. Where I broke down. Basically the moral of this story is I hope I don't see Courtney in the next week, my foot might kick her on its own accord. Also if you see me and say my hair looks short I might cry. Finally, I think I'll survive only after much therapy and my hair growing out.

Phoenix

As many of you know, my sister lives in Phoenix and I have visited her quite a few times, however each time I visit, something new happens. The experience this time was a lesbian country bar and a drag show. The day was pretty average, some hooping by the pool and some day drinking, however the night was a little more exciting. We started the night with $4 long islands, It's my financial responsibility to take every good deal I can get and $4 long islands are an extremely good deal, therefore I had two, just to be financially responsible. Then came the lesbian two stepping bar. Now I am A)not a lesbian and B) cannot two step, so needless to say I was slightly out of place. Not only did I feel out of place but my sister slurs to me
"People know you are straight because you are carrying your purse" apparently gay women leave their purses when the are at the bars. I two stepped my little straight heart out with my sister, her girlfriend and I even danced with Kristin (as if people don't already think we are always together). After working up quite a sweat, I decided to sit and take a well deserved break. A few minutes passed and an older woman comes up to me
"Have you ever had a french Martini?"
I wasn't sure if this was some term I didn't know or if it was legit a martini, I decided to risk it
"No I haven't"
Sure enough it was a real drink and this very nice woman bought me one. It was absolutely delicious.
Then came the drag show. This would have been a very typical night had it not been because of Kristins purse. Apparently the queens hated us. As this Tina Turner look a like strolled by she snags the purse and runs on stage....
"What the fuck is this ugly ass shit" she yells
We stood there
"Get up here you country sluts"
We were drug on stage to announce that we were from Colorado/Oklahoma. Then the queen proceeded to feed our country slut asses shots of tequila and shoo us offstage. I then gave over way to much money to theses ladies mostly because my sister continued to shove dollar bills in my cleavage which the queens would retrieve.
As if that wasn't quite enough for the evening, there were birthday shots, which yet another queen pulled us up on stage to give us, we weren't quite as ridiculed that time however for being country sluts.
Unfortunately for us, we drank very large quantities and were still drunk in the morning, just in time to pack and head to vegas...

Bartlesville

So we went on a road trip. Like a legit sort of road trip. Almost fucking 4000 miles. Anyway the first leg of our trip was to beautiful Bartlesville Oklahoma. Now let me be specific this is the hilly part of Oklahoma which is surprisingly not that bad. There are a few things on the drive that were specifically interesting. STALKer jesus. There is a giant billboard that literally has a painting of jesus in a bunch of corn stalks... get it STALKer jesus well yeah basically they are either telling you that jesus is always watching or that he is from Kansas either way it's pretty comical. Also there are way way to many cones. For no real reason. They will mark things that are clearly already marked.... it's like seriously I know where the shoulder is. So by the time we get there it was late so we kinda just passed out. Basically all we did for most of the trip was eat and watch Gilmore Girls. Before everyone goes and judges the shit out of me. Kristins mom and sister kick ass in the kitchen and I was in gluten free heaven anddddd Gilmore Girls is effing awesome why doesn't everyone do marathons? There were two very exciting events though. The canoe trip on the Cane River, I use the term river loosely here because basically we paddled upstream and then right back down. So pretty though and so fun and the whole time her dad gave me the best life lessons ever. John Green is a brilliant man.

The other thrilling event that went down was the Solo Club lemme tell you that place is bumpin. So we walk in... it was a straight up movie EVERYONE turned to look at us. So naturally we order two shots of tequila and find out not only is it miss Kristins birthday but the bartenders as well. The bar tender motions to Kristin with a slightly curious glass of liquid in her hand and Kristin follows her out back. In my head I came up with a specific time I would call the cops if she didn't come back luckily she did. The night basically proceeded with meeting some methy kids KGreen graduated with, being warned that we should leave now because we would have to much fun if we stayed, watching a very large lady punch a very tiny man, interrupting a couple in the bathroom, then having the biggest rap producer in Bartlesville try to take me to his "crib". I have never had so much fun. So concludes the beginning leg of the trip.

Yeesh

So after quite an awkward evening. A typical night of drunken shenanigans... I began to think of things that would be horrible to hear after a hookup. Here is a running list (or perhaps a walking list?) har har:
Damn you are a trooper
Time for my pills
Oh for real thats it?
So I have to get up early (Classic)
RUN ITS GODZIRRA!!!!
Son, are you done yet? (this can also happen the next morning)
Sorry I just gotta call my boyfriend (boy or girl)
Wheres the handle? (Dane Cook)
Oh nevermind that, it's just my webcam
*Name* said you were going to be better than that.
So is *roommates name* single
I'm actually a Zombie
Your mom was better
I always knew my first time would be with you
Did you rearrange your room (only applicable if it is the first time you have met person)
Would you be my prom date?
Surprise! Your on cadid camera
Really any sort of surprise is typically bad
go make me a sandwich
Babe, there is a ninja behind you.

If you'd like to comment and let me know some others I guess that would be awesome.