The Worst Hair Cut EVER

It has been quite some time since I have written and for that I am sorry (especially to miss Jenny Wilson) but something of great proportions has happened to jolt me back into my blogging. Some platinum blonde with bubble gum ruined my whole perception of myself. Now for most boys, I realize that a horrendous haircut doesn't really ruin lives, I mean it's not like Im living in a box under the bridge or anything but it's still pretty bad. I also realize that when you are only paying $20 for a haircut, you can't expect anything breathtaking but I do assume that everyone who has ever been to a salon realized what a trim looks like.

It all started with a beautiful summer day, and getting prepared for school with haircuts and a mani-pedi. I finally get called up to the seat. She chomped her gum at me.
"My name is Courtney" chomp chomp
My first hint should have been the bleached blonde hair and bubble gum, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, because bubble gum is delicious, and not everyone can have super great red hair.
"I'd just like a trim please, only like two inches." I asked politely
"oh honey how long ago was it since you got your hair cut" chomp chomp "I gotta take off at least 3 inches"
"okay" I said, she did go to school for this so I imagine she knows a little bit and three inches I can handle, my hair is pretty long.
twenty minutes later I was spun around to a shocking discovery.
Apparently Courtney couldn't measure.
Chomp "So it's going to take a little getting used to" Chomp
gurgle... uhhhhh.... is all I could manage.
"But it's really healthy" she said
"Ya" I said
what I really wanted to say is "Seriously have you ever seen a ruler, this is at least 6 inches, and I didn't really care if it was super healthy, it's freakin dead cells and I just wanted it to look pretty and long".

Somehow I managed to get it together. I walked out, managed to somewhat tip her, and made it home. Where I broke down. Basically the moral of this story is I hope I don't see Courtney in the next week, my foot might kick her on its own accord. Also if you see me and say my hair looks short I might cry. Finally, I think I'll survive only after much therapy and my hair growing out.

Phoenix

As many of you know, my sister lives in Phoenix and I have visited her quite a few times, however each time I visit, something new happens. The experience this time was a lesbian country bar and a drag show. The day was pretty average, some hooping by the pool and some day drinking, however the night was a little more exciting. We started the night with $4 long islands, It's my financial responsibility to take every good deal I can get and $4 long islands are an extremely good deal, therefore I had two, just to be financially responsible. Then came the lesbian two stepping bar. Now I am A)not a lesbian and B) cannot two step, so needless to say I was slightly out of place. Not only did I feel out of place but my sister slurs to me
"People know you are straight because you are carrying your purse" apparently gay women leave their purses when the are at the bars. I two stepped my little straight heart out with my sister, her girlfriend and I even danced with Kristin (as if people don't already think we are always together). After working up quite a sweat, I decided to sit and take a well deserved break. A few minutes passed and an older woman comes up to me
"Have you ever had a french Martini?"
I wasn't sure if this was some term I didn't know or if it was legit a martini, I decided to risk it
"No I haven't"
Sure enough it was a real drink and this very nice woman bought me one. It was absolutely delicious.
Then came the drag show. This would have been a very typical night had it not been because of Kristins purse. Apparently the queens hated us. As this Tina Turner look a like strolled by she snags the purse and runs on stage....
"What the fuck is this ugly ass shit" she yells
We stood there
"Get up here you country sluts"
We were drug on stage to announce that we were from Colorado/Oklahoma. Then the queen proceeded to feed our country slut asses shots of tequila and shoo us offstage. I then gave over way to much money to theses ladies mostly because my sister continued to shove dollar bills in my cleavage which the queens would retrieve.
As if that wasn't quite enough for the evening, there were birthday shots, which yet another queen pulled us up on stage to give us, we weren't quite as ridiculed that time however for being country sluts.
Unfortunately for us, we drank very large quantities and were still drunk in the morning, just in time to pack and head to vegas...

Bartlesville

So we went on a road trip. Like a legit sort of road trip. Almost fucking 4000 miles. Anyway the first leg of our trip was to beautiful Bartlesville Oklahoma. Now let me be specific this is the hilly part of Oklahoma which is surprisingly not that bad. There are a few things on the drive that were specifically interesting. STALKer jesus. There is a giant billboard that literally has a painting of jesus in a bunch of corn stalks... get it STALKer jesus well yeah basically they are either telling you that jesus is always watching or that he is from Kansas either way it's pretty comical. Also there are way way to many cones. For no real reason. They will mark things that are clearly already marked.... it's like seriously I know where the shoulder is. So by the time we get there it was late so we kinda just passed out. Basically all we did for most of the trip was eat and watch Gilmore Girls. Before everyone goes and judges the shit out of me. Kristins mom and sister kick ass in the kitchen and I was in gluten free heaven anddddd Gilmore Girls is effing awesome why doesn't everyone do marathons? There were two very exciting events though. The canoe trip on the Cane River, I use the term river loosely here because basically we paddled upstream and then right back down. So pretty though and so fun and the whole time her dad gave me the best life lessons ever. John Green is a brilliant man.

The other thrilling event that went down was the Solo Club lemme tell you that place is bumpin. So we walk in... it was a straight up movie EVERYONE turned to look at us. So naturally we order two shots of tequila and find out not only is it miss Kristins birthday but the bartenders as well. The bar tender motions to Kristin with a slightly curious glass of liquid in her hand and Kristin follows her out back. In my head I came up with a specific time I would call the cops if she didn't come back luckily she did. The night basically proceeded with meeting some methy kids KGreen graduated with, being warned that we should leave now because we would have to much fun if we stayed, watching a very large lady punch a very tiny man, interrupting a couple in the bathroom, then having the biggest rap producer in Bartlesville try to take me to his "crib". I have never had so much fun. So concludes the beginning leg of the trip.

Yeesh

So after quite an awkward evening. A typical night of drunken shenanigans... I began to think of things that would be horrible to hear after a hookup. Here is a running list (or perhaps a walking list?) har har:
Damn you are a trooper
Time for my pills
Oh for real thats it?
So I have to get up early (Classic)
RUN ITS GODZIRRA!!!!
Son, are you done yet? (this can also happen the next morning)
Sorry I just gotta call my boyfriend (boy or girl)
Wheres the handle? (Dane Cook)
Oh nevermind that, it's just my webcam
*Name* said you were going to be better than that.
So is *roommates name* single
I'm actually a Zombie
Your mom was better
I always knew my first time would be with you
Did you rearrange your room (only applicable if it is the first time you have met person)
Would you be my prom date?
Surprise! Your on cadid camera
Really any sort of surprise is typically bad
go make me a sandwich
Babe, there is a ninja behind you.

If you'd like to comment and let me know some others I guess that would be awesome.

Alcoholism.

Yesterday, I was evaluating my life. I do that sometimes. I came to a conclusion.... I was born to drink. Pretty much everything in my life has pointed me towards drinking.Drinking A LOT.
It started when I was a child, during my first Christmas on earth my parents threw a party. My mother entrusted me to a close friend while she went to do whatever she needed to do.... When she returned from her business, whatever it was, she was greeted by a happy friend and a happy baby.
Mom's Friend: Siobhan just loves this eggnog
Mom: FUCK
My family makes a type of eggnog that is basically eggs and booze and sugar... mostly booze. BOOM drunk baby. So this very early appreciation of delicious alcoholic beverages sign towards being a drunk.
My family also drinks peppermint schnapps whenever we go camping... we haven't been camping in like ten years so before I was 11 I was swilling peppermint schnapps.
Everyone knows about the traditional St. Pattys Shot. Since like birth.
Okay there is a song... called Siobhan.... it's about how Siobhan is going to get super drunk and not come home at night.... If you don't believe me... look...
DRUNK
Next... My 21st birthday is the day after finals... yeah so it's natural to celebrate. duhhhh.
People are super surprised that I'm not 21 yet, I get super shocked face from people when I'm like oh yeah sorry I can't go to the bars yet.
Finally... I'm Irish... nuff said.


Oh and Jenny Wilson is really cool.

Dentist

No one likes the dentist, this is pretty common knowledge. Which leads me to think, what kind of person decides to be a dentist. Like what... did they get out of the dentist after being beaten and battered like damn that was fun. Or were they so tormented by these dentists from hell that they were like man I am gonna do the same thing to people and make them HATE me. Anyway I had to go to the dentist, because a piece of my tooth just like BOOM fell out. I was like damn that sucks. So I fought with insurance companies and found a tooth doctor close enough to walk to. Lemme start off with I got totally lost trying to find this damn place, luckily I had my iphone so I managed (seriously how did I ever live without my maps). The receptionist was super nice and I started off thinking this wouldn't be to bad like "hey maybe this is gonna be okay" I didn't remember the last time I went to the dentist so I was unconvinced it would be miserable. After waiting forever... as per usual. I was forced to put on horrible horrible orange glasses and he gave me a shot in my gums... yah. gums. Now don't get me wrong, I am extremely glad that I was numb but Mr. Dentist man gave me so much numbing stuff that my whole right side of my face went numb like eye, ear cheek the works. I looked kinda like a droopy eyed armless child... thank you Charlie Sheen. So after I was an adorable stroke victim, the Dentist began work, and by work I mean he pretty much beat the shit out of the right side of my face, so much for a gentle hand. At one point he literally punched me... I think it was an accident but there is no way to be sure. Thank heavens that I was numb because even with my whole stroke situation it was still extremely uncomfortable... like I'm surprised nothing was broken. After gagging and toughing out a whopping hour and a half, I was done.
Dentist: Ok, you're all done
Me: Wrearry (really)?
Dentist: Yep all finished, you will hurt a little once the numbing wears off, which will be in about two hours.
Me: Two howwers?!!! (hours)
Dentist: yeah, have a good day.
Walks out
So I start the trek back to class which I was already late for. It was only after walking through all of campus that I realized my face was not only numb but swollen. Apparently my face swells with any sort of stimulation. So I get to class, in which we watch a movie. Luckily I find a place on the edge (last time I was late I almost sat in someones lap). Unfortunately the occupant of this lucky seat I had found came back from the bathroom a few minutes later
Seat person: Uh you are in my seat.
Me: Oh shit sowwy
Seat person: Uh yeah (really thinking... you should have shown up to class on time then you wouldn't steal my seat you droopy eyed freak)
So I moved, then my phone rang an annoying ringtone, because my mom called... and it was loud.
Not only had I stolen a seat but now I interrupted the whole class with my strokeness. Heads turned and I turned bright red (luckily it was dark) I actually think someone laughed at my ringtone too
About halfway through the film, my numbness wore off,
FUCKKKK
no kidding it was going to hurt, my whole jaw, tooth and gums hurt, and they had gouges all in them. jesus this was bad. Naturally I couldn't find any Advil, so as any boulder college student would do, I spent the whole rest of the day using an herbal remedy to cure my aches.
Moral of the story. Seriously dentists suck.

Jilian and the Rabid Racoon

Twas a normal evening, not so long ago, when the family came home at different times after our various events. Our Heroine had just been to a horror movie at which she laughed (shes tough like that) and had made her way home. Little did she know that an intruder had gotten home before her and was about to prey on not only her leftovers but her ROOMMATES! As Jilian opened the door she stunned the intruder to give her a split second of an advantage, but that was all she needed. As the Rabid Raccoon came at her (I imagine he looked something like this )

she got out her greatest ninja moves and knocked him silly. He then surprised her and lunged at her throat, she only nearly saved herself putting her arm that she defended herself with at great risk. The raccoon realizing he would not defeat Jilian then ran for the stairs fixed on eating all of the people that were slumbering upstairs (or maybe just the pasta on the counter). Jilian, in a final attempt to save her friends screamed at which her voice sent the raccoon scampering up the chimney and out of our lives. Jilian then fixing her hair went upstairs and had the sweetest dreams.

But seriously there was a raccoon in our house that went up our chimney.