Bathroom Acoustics

So it has been about  a trillion years since I have made a blog. Today however I have been feeling inspired.  My inspiration has mostly come from watching Jenna Marbles vlogs all fucking night (I love my job). If you don't know who Jenna Marbles is google it, watch her videos and you are so welcome for making you laugh.

Now on to the issue at hand.... I want to know who the fuck designs bathrooms that are super echoey. I am referring specifically to the bathrooms right in front of The Connection, the business that pays me upwards of ten dollars to blog at you, and I suppose run the bowling alley. If you are in the UMC check it out and hear some tinkle. Anyway some genius decided to make the perfect fucking storm of fart acoustics. I mean seriously you are peeing in the furthest stall from the door when all the sudden you can hear some dude who is in the other bathroom (I'm assuming in the very last stall) ripping ass. IT'S DISGUSTING. I'm not sure what the person was thinking but I hate it.
1) I don't want everyone hearing me pee, like I don't want to be judged for that.
2) Sometimes I blow my nose. That shit is LOUD. I have been called an elephant before due to that. I go to the bathroom so people don't hear me. This brilliant designer fucked that up.
3) I don't want to listen to other people doing their business. PLEASE NO.

So I get that the tile and ceramics are clean but like can I get some music, maybe some ambient noises seriously anything except dead silence and the sound of Gassy Gus in the boys bathroom.

The only good thing about the echos is when I do feel like singing while I pee, everyone is blessed to hear my voice, comparable only to Frank Sinatra.

Fo Realzzzz

Once upon a time,

There was a girl in high school that dated a very cute hippy boy. As most relationships happen in high school, they broke up. They ended however, on very pleasant terms and remained friends. Almost a year later the girls mother was driving her home. At a stop sign the high school girl saw the ex-boyfriend riding his bike towards their car. The two high schoolers waved kindly at each other. 

At this point in the story it was time to continue down the road and The girls mother began to take the turn towards home.

MOM!!!! YOU HIT EVAN!!!! The girl screamed as the bike and the car collided. The boy tumbled up the hood and back towards the ground, hitting it fairly hard. He then popped right back up looking stunned.  Fortunately for everyone involved, the ex survived with simply a cut on his knee and everyone continued to be friends. 

And everyone lived happily ever after….

But seriously, true story. 

The Chocolate Party

"Do you want to go to a Chocolate Party?"- mom

"Is that a real question" -me 

"There will be Chocolate Martini's"- mom

"You had me at Chocolate"

This was how this fateful day started. I'd go anywhere if I was promised Chocolate.
"Hey Siobhan do you want to go to New Jersey.... I'll give you chocolate"
"Yes"

"Siobhan do you want to do Jury Duty.... I'll give you chocolate"
"Yes"

wait I need to rephrase this, I'll go anywhere there is free food. I call this college survival skills. When you have been eating ramen for a few weeks you will go where there is free food.

Anyway, back to the story my mother and I are attending a Chocolate Party, I don't have to tell you how awesome a Chocolate Party sounds. I had in my head fountains and strawberries and mousse basically heaven. So we get dressed and head out to the party, I wore my big dress so I could have a chocolate baby and no one would notice. When we arrive we are greeted by a woman with two very very tiny dixie cups.
"Chocolate Martini's ladies?"
the woman handed us the tiny tiny dixie cups and walked off....
My mom and I looked at each other, a mutual agreement made only through the eyes that this is not at all what we were hoping for. We all sat down and the presentation began. It was miserable this horrible woman was demonstrating how to make all sorts of chocolate treats but not letting anyone try them. Legitimate torture. Sometime throughout the tempting demonstrations, a tiny cup of cupcake vodka came around, for everyone to try.
"Did you finish that?"
"What?"
"EVERYONE was sharing that"
"Well shit"

The presentation continued. It was like putting a starving man in a room with a steak and not letting him eat it.... but it was putting white women in a room with chocolate and not sharing. AND you had to buy shit. Not only was this mean but they were going to torture me out of my money. Finally the presentation was over and they give us a tiny plate in order to try the tiny snacks... it wasn't okay.
While everyone was chatting and purchasing, I looked up a recipe for chocolate martini's, shockingly simple and absolutely delicious.

"how about we go buy stuff and make our own chocolate martini's?"
"lets go"
So home my mother and I went with our martini's and bad moods to fix the day... we spent the afternoon sipping on heaven and watching girl movies.... My poor father sat in his chair.... babysitting us.

An Ode to Long Boarders

Oh dear long boarders...
As you zoom past me, your hair flowing in the wind.
Coming close to running over my toes.
Coming close to breaking my nose.
Making me jump ten feet high
Without regard you wiz by...
Weaving through the busy crowd
You make me want to yell out loud.
Do you notice all the people you scare
and rude it is that you just don't care.
I'd like for you to stop and think
Maybe, you have pushed us to the brink.
I would like to not live in fear
that a long boarder is somewhere near
endangering my life and toes
thinking that they will get the bitches and hoes
I really do dislike you
And next time you make the wrong pick
and decide to be a dick
to ride your longboard through the crowds
I may have to throw a stick...


Sincerely,
Siobhan

My Dog is Smarter than I am

My dog Grace had an ear infection. That will happen when you dive after sticks in a dirty lake all day (not like thats from experience or anything). So we got her puppy ear drops, all organic, perfect for a little princess like Grace. As you can tell, Grace is quite pampered for a normal sized dog, most little dogs get pampered but real sized dogs rarely do. So it came time to put in her little ear drops... easier said than done. She totally knew what was about to happen. She saw the little dropper and ran like hell. As my mother and I beckoned to her to come and get her ear drops she peered around the corner of the kitchen with a suspicious look in her eye as if to say *fuck you I know your about to torture me with that little droppy thingy* Unfortunately for her she is obedient and came despite her knowledge. She then sat 5 feet away from us and made me drag her the next few feet to be situated in my iron grip so she couldn't escape the evil ear dropper. The struggle began, Grace pulling away, me pulling her back my mom putting the expensive drops in her fur and REPEAT. 

Eventually we succeeded but Grace needed to prove how horrendous the torture really was so for the remainder of the evening she would stop every ten minutes shake her head vigorously just to prove how uncomfortable these devil drops were. 

Her tactic of coming when called but sitting far away worked yet again when I went to leave to come back to Boulder. When the first bag went in the car... she knew and went to sulk in the basement. Grace doesn't like the basement, she used to have to stay there so she wouldn't chew up the couch. However the basement was going to be the best option to show her disproval. After the last bag went out I went back inside to say my tearful (on my side) goodbye. To make me work for my time with her, she made me call her 4 times before coming up to the top stair and sitting looking at me with the saddest look. I pulled her towards me, she didn't help, so I basically scooted her across the hardwood floor. After a long hug she turned around, tucked her sad little tail between her legs and went back to the basement while I drove away. Basically I'm saying that my dog owns me and I do what she wants. 

The Worst Hair Cut EVER

It has been quite some time since I have written and for that I am sorry (especially to miss Jenny Wilson) but something of great proportions has happened to jolt me back into my blogging. Some platinum blonde with bubble gum ruined my whole perception of myself. Now for most boys, I realize that a horrendous haircut doesn't really ruin lives, I mean it's not like Im living in a box under the bridge or anything but it's still pretty bad. I also realize that when you are only paying $20 for a haircut, you can't expect anything breathtaking but I do assume that everyone who has ever been to a salon realized what a trim looks like.

It all started with a beautiful summer day, and getting prepared for school with haircuts and a mani-pedi. I finally get called up to the seat. She chomped her gum at me.
"My name is Courtney" chomp chomp
My first hint should have been the bleached blonde hair and bubble gum, but I decided to give her the benefit of the doubt, because bubble gum is delicious, and not everyone can have super great red hair.
"I'd just like a trim please, only like two inches." I asked politely
"oh honey how long ago was it since you got your hair cut" chomp chomp "I gotta take off at least 3 inches"
"okay" I said, she did go to school for this so I imagine she knows a little bit and three inches I can handle, my hair is pretty long.
twenty minutes later I was spun around to a shocking discovery.
Apparently Courtney couldn't measure.
Chomp "So it's going to take a little getting used to" Chomp
gurgle... uhhhhh.... is all I could manage.
"But it's really healthy" she said
"Ya" I said
what I really wanted to say is "Seriously have you ever seen a ruler, this is at least 6 inches, and I didn't really care if it was super healthy, it's freakin dead cells and I just wanted it to look pretty and long".

Somehow I managed to get it together. I walked out, managed to somewhat tip her, and made it home. Where I broke down. Basically the moral of this story is I hope I don't see Courtney in the next week, my foot might kick her on its own accord. Also if you see me and say my hair looks short I might cry. Finally, I think I'll survive only after much therapy and my hair growing out.

Phoenix

As many of you know, my sister lives in Phoenix and I have visited her quite a few times, however each time I visit, something new happens. The experience this time was a lesbian country bar and a drag show. The day was pretty average, some hooping by the pool and some day drinking, however the night was a little more exciting. We started the night with $4 long islands, It's my financial responsibility to take every good deal I can get and $4 long islands are an extremely good deal, therefore I had two, just to be financially responsible. Then came the lesbian two stepping bar. Now I am A)not a lesbian and B) cannot two step, so needless to say I was slightly out of place. Not only did I feel out of place but my sister slurs to me
"People know you are straight because you are carrying your purse" apparently gay women leave their purses when the are at the bars. I two stepped my little straight heart out with my sister, her girlfriend and I even danced with Kristin (as if people don't already think we are always together). After working up quite a sweat, I decided to sit and take a well deserved break. A few minutes passed and an older woman comes up to me
"Have you ever had a french Martini?"
I wasn't sure if this was some term I didn't know or if it was legit a martini, I decided to risk it
"No I haven't"
Sure enough it was a real drink and this very nice woman bought me one. It was absolutely delicious.
Then came the drag show. This would have been a very typical night had it not been because of Kristins purse. Apparently the queens hated us. As this Tina Turner look a like strolled by she snags the purse and runs on stage....
"What the fuck is this ugly ass shit" she yells
We stood there
"Get up here you country sluts"
We were drug on stage to announce that we were from Colorado/Oklahoma. Then the queen proceeded to feed our country slut asses shots of tequila and shoo us offstage. I then gave over way to much money to theses ladies mostly because my sister continued to shove dollar bills in my cleavage which the queens would retrieve.
As if that wasn't quite enough for the evening, there were birthday shots, which yet another queen pulled us up on stage to give us, we weren't quite as ridiculed that time however for being country sluts.
Unfortunately for us, we drank very large quantities and were still drunk in the morning, just in time to pack and head to vegas...